OLD MAN'S FOOL PROOF SPARE RIBS CONCOCTION

Firstly: before you even think of doing anything with the dead pig, you must have all the ingredients, courage and the good old outdoor spirit.

Next: About 12 hours before you intend to try your culinary arts, you need to take the hunks of frozen dead meat our of its peaceful slumber in the deep freeze and place same on a plate on the counter. Remember to cover the plate with some air breathing material (such as a dish cloth) – this will preclude the nasty flies and other crawlers from attacking your supper before it is cooked. Sometimes these vectors defecate and lay own propagating eggs in your meal – and I do not know what it adds to either the flavor or nutrition.

About one hour before you intend to engage the dead meat in a feat of dues in the smoker, you need to place a large pot of water on the stove and add to it about two tea spoons of the McCormack's season all salt. Let the water come to a boil. In the mean time, take a wooden cutting board and place the dead meat on top. Brace yourself because now you are going to practice the old medical art of dissecting a cadaver. Once you gathered all the courage, take a sharp knife and begin separating the meat in sizes about 2-3 rib bones wide. (It is easier to cut the meat between the bones, however if you want to cut the bones [which is foolish in itself] feel free to waste your time.)

Slowly lower the cut meat into the boiling water and let it boil for about 45min. In this step you should insure that you have just enough water in the pot to cover the meat and that the greasy water does not splatter all over mom's virgin stove. You should cover the pot! After about 45 minutes, lower me beat and let the ribs simmer in the water.

While the meat is being cooked, you brave the rain, lighting and storm, and go outside where the big black smoker is awaiting to be challenged.

Remove the upper two portions of the smoker (easiest way of doing this is by utilization of the two special handles attached to the body of the smoker — now you can do this otherwise, but the handles prove to be rather efficient way of working this contraption.

Next you fill the charcoal pan with the (of all the things) - yes you guessed it: charcoal. Spray liberal amount of the starter fluid on the black crap and let it soak in for about 5 minutes. Now spray some more fluid onto the charcoal and ignite it by throwing a piece of lighted newspaper onto me coals. Let the S.O.B. burn like hell and until me flames go out. Keep the lid off the charcoal at this time, this way me wind will cause the coals to gain some momentum in getting ready to roast your dead swine. Wait until me coals are pretty much under way and look lime white over the red glow.

Next remove the two grills from the middle portion of the smoker and fill me pyrex dish about 1/2 way full of plain old H20. Now place the middle portion with the pyrex water dish to on top of the charcoal pan (watch do not spill water onto the charcoal, otherwise you will have to start all over again). Do not place the top grill in yet, otherwise it will be hard to handle when it is hot. Place the cover over the whole thing adjusting it so it will fit pretty well. What is happening now, is the water is getting heated up causing some steam to be generated.

While the meat is cooking and the charcoal is burning you are now ready to mix the special concoction, or as I call it me masterful dip.

You will need the following ingredients for about 4 lbs of dead swine's ribs::

Mix all this up in a large mixing bowl to make a gooey, ugly and badly smelling concoction. ( Caution: do not puke into the mixing bowl ~ no nutritional value here). 4 lbs of ribs will be adequate for about 5 people if you have additional side dishes such as starchy potatoes, corn cobs or whatever else you can afford on your budget. If you increase the amount of the swine, then increase the ingredients proportionately.

Now you are ready to roast the S.O.B. and show it that you are in charge.

Carefully, drain the water from the pot. Keep in mind that the water is steaming hot and can cause you bodily harm, not to mention that the steam may melt your contact lenses.

Take (he pot with the cooked ribs downstairs and place it on the bench next to the smoker, then bring the mixing bowl and place it on the bench next to the pot.

Remove the middle portion of the smoker from the charcoal pan and place it on the gravel.

One by one, take the ribs and dip them in the mixing bowl with the concoction. Make sure every nook and cranny of the meat is covered in this gook. Now one by one, place the ribs onto the lower grid. When this grid fills up, now place the next grid on the upper hooks and continue dipping Ac meat and placing it onto me grid.

When you are satisfied that the meat is artistically displayed: take a hand full of hickory chips and sprinkle them onto the glowing coals.

Pick up the middle smoker portion by the handles and fit it carefully on top of the coal pan. (turn the body using me handles to insure that you have a good fit. Now place the cover on top of the cooker and make sure this lid also fits well.

Most of your chores are now pretty much finished and you have conquered the most challenging part.

The ribs should stay on the fire for about 30 - 45 minutes.

Now you can go upstairs and begin the cleaning up. Do not discard the remains of the concoction yet. But the rest of the mess you made can be cleaned and the dishes put away. If you don’t - beware the wrath of your Mom!

When the 45 min. are over, you can take a serving dish downstairs and place the god damned cooked meat onto the plate. Take it upstairs and serve your guests.

Hope they like your cooking, but if they don't, here is where me remainder of the concoction comes in. You can pour it over their heads, make them drink it or let your imagination wander and then pay them back for their unkind remarks.

Have a great time and I hope that your friends will enjoy the meal and appreciate your efforts. Smachnoho!

Please make sure that the smoker is covered up before you retire for the night and that the charcoal can bum out on its own.

                                                                                            Tato